Separate bedrooms

[ajva]

Had Stef's pal Tony over today for a long lunch. I do like Tony - he's good fun. Anyway, I've just said goodnight to both of them (Stef and Tony, that is), and now face a good night's sleep. It's Stef's turn to take Charlie into his room in his Moses basket, leaving me a free hand.

This, of course, is an excellent advert for separate bedrooms; if breastfeeding doesn't work out, there's no reason at all why you can't share the entire babycare load between Mum and Dad.

Which brings me on to my subject: couples having separate bedrooms in general. People seem to be a bit down on it to the extent that they assume it means your relationship is in trouble, but I don't think that's necessarily so. Certainly from my perspective, I always wanted my own space, and it always seemed to me that the main thing stopping that would be financial. But if you're lucky enough to be able to afford the space, why not? True, Stef is a big snorer, but that's only number 2 on my list of reasons for wanting a separate room - although, interestingly, it's the best one to tell people, because it's a conversation stopper. People always accept that as a reason, whereas 'I want my own space' doesn't seem to quite cut the mustard.

What do y'all think?

Comments

[dreamsewing.livejournal.com]

I don't think I could live with P if we *didn't* have separate bedrooms! My snoring would ruin what little sleep he gets, and I am a rotisserie sleeper ( have to turn every 15 minutes) due to back/stomach pain. The one bed(room) thing is actually kind of modern though isn't it, I remember all those 50's films with either 2 beds or 2 bedrooms. From my grana's generation backwards, 2 bedrooms was the norm unless financially unable. So perhaps the one bedroom thing is an economic/class expression.
Beyond the comfort level, for me, I like having time to myself, and a place to do so, where I know I am not being viewed (even lovingly) by anyone. My thoughts seem to run more freely, and when working/sewing being on my own leads to better focus.
Peoples reactions are odd though. My mum seemed diapproving, even though she & her 2nd husband actually sleep in different rooms 5 nights out of 7. Though in their case it's "in the spare bed in the office", she seems to find the actively defined "my bedroom" to show a lack of commitment to eachother. *sigh*

[ms-katonic.livejournal.com]

From the day my parents decided that me and my brother probably shouldn't be sharing a room any more, I've had my own room and I've loved it unreservedly. I was eight years old at the time, and it was fantastic in every single way. The only fly in the ointment was the somewhat depressing realisation that if I ever got married, I'd be expected to give that privilege up and share a room with my husband.

And then I grew up and discovered polyamory, and that gave me a cast-iron excuse to insist on my own bedroom as part of any potential co-habitation setup. Admittedly the situation has never arisen as yet, but you never know. Even so, I'm not sure I could agree to one now where sharing a bedroom was part of the deal. I'm a wee bit territorial like that.

[trishpiglet.livejournal.com]

Agree entirely that it doesn't mean a relationship is in trouble if you choose to have separate rooms. Having the choice is excellent. People have all sorts of ideas about what's 'normal' and what's weird but so long as cohabiting people are happy, they should be able to make their own rules.

Am really happy sharing a room right now; I used to sleep worse alone (although have happily conquered that one) but now it's a matter of just preferring to sleep next to my partner. We get plenty of our own space in other ways. Also, I'm not the most independent of people and really happy to be in a space where that's ok :)

Where snoring etc is a problem, there's always the sofa which is awesome for comfy. I've already had a 3 hour nap today (which may be why I'm still up) :)

[emmy-mallow.livejournal.com]

I'd love a space of my own. If we ever move then I'd like my own space. Possibly not sleep in but just to have my own space in the house. I grew up in a tiny house and shared with my sister till I went off to university. University was the only time I ever had my own space.

[bethanthepurple.livejournal.com]

When I move in with L we have decided that separate rooms is an essential. I need a space where I know I can kick everyone else out if needed.

[lolliepopp.livejournal.com]

I like sharing a room with N, and as neither of us snore or have extra curricular partners then it works fine for me. But I understand the "needing my space" thing. N has a music room with all of his recording stuff, which is needed otherwise it would be all over the place! And I dont have that space. But it does mean that I get to basically have the rest of the flat!

[valkyriekaren.livejournal.com]

If I were to live with a partner again, separate bedrooms would be an absolute must-have. Partly it's a poly thing - I would want to be able to have a date stay the night without kicking my partner out of his/her bed - but partly I also like having my own space.

[indigo-violet.livejournal.com]

Ceej and I have separate rooms for a zillion reasons not just his snoring! We keep different hours, he goes to bed later than I do and gets up at the crack of dawn and generally needs less sleep than me. He lives messy while I live uber-tidy. He likes the radio on all night whereas I require blissful silence. He likes the window open at night, even in December.

But yeah, people look at me like I'm off another planet when I tell them we have separate rooms until I say the thing about the snoring. Then they drop it.

[trishpiglet.livejournal.com]

The tidiness issue! YUP!
I'm afraid I'm more of a CJ re tidiness. Thete has dubbed the floor on my side of the bed 'Piglet Valley' and is currently putting up with the living room floor being covered with Christmas card-making paraphernalia.

I guess this is where cohabiting works in my favour a bit as I have to keep a certain level of tidy that won't drive someone else mad e.g. Piglet Valley does need regular tidying and er.. I'd better tidy the living room floor soon.

Radio on all night? !!? eep

Edited first paragraph to make sure it made sense

[lovingboth]

Yep, the messy issue is a big one.

[lozette.livejournal.com]

Separate houses for me! Although, what I mean is... I'm nearly 35 and I've yet to cohabit with anyone :-)

Current squeeze & I are tentatively talking about living together in 2013, when I'll be 36 and him 41. Our own rooms will be a must - I can't see myself getting to 36 having always had a *whole house* to myself, then being happy to share space like that.

Ideally I'd live next-door to a partner, but living in a large (i.e. 3 or 4 bedroom) house between two people seems like a decent compromise.

[lozette.livejournal.com]

(I guess it's pertinent to state that I'm monogamous, not poly!)

[thekumquat.livejournal.com]

When I grew up, my parents generally slept separately once I was 3 or so (my dad likes 2 duvets even in summer; my mum overheats with one even in winter and needed the loo 20 times a night...), and that was considered fairly reasonable when it was a case of my dad 'retreating' to the spare room, but when we moved and they officially had their own rooms most of my friends thought that was wierd.

When Conflux and I moved in together we thought we'd sleep together at least on weekends in our two-bedroom flat, but after a month concluded that dividing the space into a bedroom each was the way to go, what with him being an insomniac and going to bed a couple hours later than me.

I suspect there's a lot of envy about being able to afford separate bedrooms.

[sfred]

When I was monogamous I always assumed a shared bedroom was the default, although in my last (longest) monogamous relationship we each had our own space to retreat to outside the bedroom.
Now I wouldn't want to live with a partner unless we each had a bedroom. I love sleeping with a partner, but when I get really horribly tired I like to be able to sleep undisturbed and a room of my own is the best way to make that happen. Also the poly thing: I want to be able to invite visiting partners into my bed without kicking anyone out of their own bed.

[the-maenad.livejournal.com]

Not having separate bedrooms put the tin hat on at least one of my past relationships. Nowadays a room of my own is a bottom-line basic requirement for me, I'm sorry, it just is.

[babysimon]

It's hard to conceive of anything other than separate homes for the foreseeable future! Only one (FSVO) partner even lives with someone.

But yes, another poly person who's always had separate bedrooms. I've been a bad sleeper for much of my life, which has been a big factor, although that seems to be improving lately. I'm starting to actively enjoy sleeping in the same bed with partners, which is lovely. I've even managed to sleep in a bed with partner + cat. Gosh. Having a big bed helps lots :)

[sanjibabes.livejournal.com]

Separate bedrooms is useful and healthy.